Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd rather sink in my ephemeral dreams than float in your eternally absurd reality.

   “I vant to suck your hemoglobin.” -Count Dorkula

   I value your opinion as long as you don't offer it

   All I really need are two things: a lighter, and five minutes of being unsupervised.

   Please spare me the agony of listening to your relationship problems if you always end up with the same idiot.

   Uh-oh. My guardian angel just enrolled in the witness protection program.

   shhhh.. i'm waiting behind the door. gonna blindside monday with a swift kick in nuggets.

   Olympic Medals: U.S.-104 Great Britain- 64 So much for us "Fat Americans"!!! United States Rock!!!

   How come i'm your best friend all of a sudden when you need money? but you dont remember when I needed a ride?

   This world is in bad shape. Education would be nice or maybe just learning to spell before you put your thought into the public forum.......What the hell is a "ceeling fan"?

   Got to the bottom of the mountain of laundry and found my favorite sock I thought the dryer ate. Raising both fists in the air and giving a Gladiatorial roar of victory I soon discovered that I just washed my wallet.....

   Your chances of becoming an Olympic Athlete are less than 1 in 10,000. Think about that for just a second. All Olympians should be proud of just having the opportunity to participate.

   By saying you want a sandwich after sex you're letting me know you suck at sex because you expect me to be able to walk afterwards.

   Don't ever talk behind my back, unless you're asking me to raise my ass a little more.

   You make me want to be a better drinker.

   Let me lick your wounds with a touch of salt and vinigar.

   Saying you want to age gracefully is like saying you want to fall down a flight of stairs naked and land face first in pig poo, gracefully.

   Gaining weight isn't all bad. On the bright side, your clothes get so tight you don't need to iron the creases out.

   Let it be know that if you touch my phone and it's not a life or death situation, it automatically becomes a life or death situation.

   Idle hands do the devil's work, and that's why they're down your pants right now.