Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
To avoid identity theft when I die, I want to be shredded. 
One of my buddies on facebook "liked" the movie 8 seconds. It said on facebook that "Dave likes 8 seconds." I bet his wife doesn't.
If I let you control the music in my car, it means I would probably take a bullet for you.
Reading some of the crap on Facebook makes me want to go watch an R rated movie just because I know whiny children won't be there.
GOVERNMENT.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot America? (Y/N)?
can't understand why Victoria's Secret incorrectly refers to these "wine-drinking, recliner pants" I'm wearing as "yoga pants."
I heard a guy complaining how expensive his wedding is costing him. Boy, he is gonna be real pist when he finds out how much his divorce is going to cost
You never forget the first time you learned what a PROLAPSE is. Damn you, Google images.
I feel sorry for men who don't know how to value women. One look at a woman and I KNOW how much she will cost me.
Why does Cheaters need a camera crew of 600?
When I first saw you from across the room, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life avoiding you.
No matter how much you shake & dance, the last few drop fall in your pants
Oh, the things I do for love...like lie to the police concerning my whereabouts the night of August 4th...
Just as I suspected! Monday suxs!!!!
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they're about to take a picture?
Mary Jane is the only woman that won't complain when you hit her.
WOW!! What a great dream!!! I'll never forget dreaming that me and ..um..um...um...Who was it?? Well, we um, um, um, um.....Oh crap!!!! Forgot it already!!
Commercial time. I'll just flip through and see what else is on.......1 min later....What the HelI was I just watching??????
Happy birthday to Sir Mix-A-Lot! People forget how persecuted big butts were before he wrote that song.
Just saw that I have one unheard message and I didn't even see my phone ring. I hope it's not work-related or Mel Gibson! 