Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to church for confession. It's strange. I don't remember the priest's dialogue ever containing "The power of Christ compells you!" before.

   You'd think by episode 133 the Scooby Doo gang would know it's a guy in a costume every time.

   Cats are so disgusting it makes them puke.

   I had to take a lie detector test at a job interview once. No I didn't.

   I feel bad that God made you so stupid, but no, I'm not doing extra work to keep you from looking bad.

   I once met a guy who wrecked himself. He was always bummed he hadn't checked himself first. So sad.

   Science will never impress me till I can pay a hooker by swiping my credit card down her ass.

   If I only had a gym at home so I could finally not go to that one either.

   Being in love is the smartest way of being stupid.

   Hell is just a place where they play Justin Bieber's music all day.

   Women are like Alarm Clocks. It's such a relief when they finally shut the hell up.

   I had so many great women in my life, yet I don't know where they're at... at least that's what I told the cops ;)

   On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.

   Since I'm sleeping on the couch, Switced my wife's alka seltzer water with red bull and 2 laxative pills!!! Her shittz going to fly!

   Since I'm sleeping on the couch, Switced my wife's alka seltzer water with red bull and 2 laxative pills, Since I'm sleeping on the couch !!!

   Now that the Olympics are over, Michael Phelps can finally be released back into the ocean so he can be in his natural habitat

   Not all that glitters is gold. Take, for instance, glitter.

   I think the worst part about stubbing your toe is knowing a few seconds later the pain will come.

   Just got an X-ray at the hospital and tried to crack on to the chick doing it........she could see right through me though :(

   I always wonder what the weather men in Arizona do with their time slot. "Well people all week, hot and no rain!" Back to you Jim.