Funny Status Messages

   I ran 3 miles after work today and stopped by Arby's and got me LARGE chedder cheese and roast beef samich and some fries . Take that Michelle .

   Stupid Nexium commercial : "You wouldn't want your doctor doing your job." Yes I would. I want anyone besides myself to have to do my job.

   Won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then I realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom.

   Government: Trickling Poverty up, so every one is Equal today......

   Ive been to many second hand stores in my day and never have I come across a rasberry beret

   They should make a reality TV show called, "Jersey Shore meets Shark Week"

   According to my sidebar ads, I am a fat lesbian who needs a new Honda.

   Where is a factory that makes bath salts? Someone should start it on fire and kick start the zombie apocalypse.

   Having a hell of a time getting my leg out of this blood pressure machine at Walmart

   Why can't 2 women play monopoly at the same time? Because There's only one iron

   I really wish "Mayhem" from Allstate would eliminate "Flo" from Progressive!

   Phrases i'll never understand... #71 - "You better hunker down if you want to finish on time." Seriously? Hunker Down???

   Phrases i'll never understand... #72 - "Those two are in cahoots." WTH is cahoots and why does it take two???

   As if my self esteem couldn't get any lower, when I got in the shower this morning, it laughed at me.

   Wednesday... As most of you call it Hump day, I like to call it the 3rd Monday of the week.

   My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together. I sh!t you knot.

   My wife got naked and asked me to "show her a good time" so I showed her photos of me and my friends before we got married.

   If I was a woman with a perfectly good v@gina and my man wanted @nal, I'd probably question his sexuality.

   I would kill to see Rihanna go against Tyra Banks on a head butting contest

   How many Feminists does it take to finish this joke without offending anyone?