Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   there proper etiquette on how long you have to wait for your wife outside of a store before declaring her dead?

   I'm one restraining order away from a free restraining order.

   Never noticed this, but, if you rearrange the letters in 'marriage' it spells 'hahahahahahahahahahahahaha'.

   I have a nagging feeling that I have a girlfriend.

   “You'd know what chocolate you get if you read the map on the inside of the box lid you Friggin Idiot!”...-My Dad watching Forrest Gump

   Trying to understand some people,,, Is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end...

   I love when you go to get a massage and they ask you where it hurts and you start crying cause it's your entire existence.

   The only thing I'd like for you to say behind my back is "Do you like that?"

   My most endearing quality would have to be knowing all the lyrics to Smash Mouth's "All Star"

   Liam Neeson: "I will find you and I will kill you." Kid: "Dad it's just hide-n-go-seek!" Liam Neeson: "Right. Sorry."

   Dear eyelashes, wish bones, dandelions, pennies in fountains, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles. YOU FAILED.

   Women....why does your purse need a seat of it's own?

   I like to zumba but usually its only because I'm either trying to put on my socks, tie my shoes, or put on my underwear!

   Mature content. Blood, intense violence, and strong language. Like a woman on her period.

   Not to be vague, but stuff and things.

   I believe in evolution by natural selection. But I have one big problem with it. Its not fast enough and there are too many safeguards in place not to let nature do its thing.

   I'm at my best when no one is around.

   I'm so hungry I could drink 5 more beers.

   I just got flipped off from a guy in a smart car. I didnt know if I should be mad or laugh.

   I was angry when my neighbors put a fence around their swimming pool but then I got over it