Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
Stupid Nexium commercial : "You wouldn't want your doctor doing your job." Yes I would. I want anyone besides myself to have to do my job. 
Won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then I realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom.
Government: Trickling Poverty up, so every one is Equal today......
Ive been to many second hand stores in my day and never have I come across a rasberry beret
They should make a reality TV show called, "Jersey Shore meets Shark Week"
According to my sidebar ads, I am a fat lesbian who needs a new Honda.
Where is a factory that makes bath salts? Someone should start it on fire and kick start the zombie apocalypse.
Having a hell of a time getting my leg out of this blood pressure machine at Walmart
Why can't 2 women play monopoly at the same time? Because There's only one iron
I really wish "Mayhem" from Allstate would eliminate "Flo" from Progressive!
Phrases i'll never understand... #71 - "You better hunker down if you want to finish on time." Seriously? Hunker Down???
Phrases i'll never understand... #72 - "Those two are in cahoots." WTH is cahoots and why does it take two???
As if my self esteem couldn't get any lower, when I got in the shower this morning, it laughed at me.
Wednesday... As most of you call it Hump day, I like to call it the 3rd Monday of the week.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together. I sh!t you knot.
My wife got naked and asked me to "show her a good time" so I showed her photos of me and my friends before we got married.
If I was a woman with a perfectly good v@gina and my man wanted @nal, I'd probably question his sexuality.
I would kill to see Rihanna go against Tyra Banks on a head butting contest
How many Feminists does it take to finish this joke without offending anyone?
You think Zelda would be a lot more "appreciative" of Link for saving her. The boy went through like 7 dungeons & caves, at least give him the sex he deserves. 