Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You complement someone on her sexy adams apple and suddenly you are deleted and blocked.

   Did you guys know that the little boy from Panic Room was Kristen Stewart? Mind? BLOWN.

   Ladies: if a man said he'll fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it

   Hoping it's gonna be the kind of day when I take a book out a bookcase and it's a lever that revolves into a secret room.

   the economy is so bad, that hookers are now giving away toasters.

   he gets his morals from the men's room wall.

   B!tch please, life aint that short to have sex on the very first date.

   Curiosity killed the cat, but Satisfaction brought her back!

   THE EXPENDABLES = Retirement home for Action heroes

   Did you hear of the women vision of Hooter ? it is called Rooster

   Worst FB moment in your life... Friend request from your mom.

   My wife was banned from Disneyland for knocking Pinnochio down, sitting on his face and screaming "Lie to me!! Lie to me!"

   Alien 1: “Did the humans get our message?” Alien 2: “Yeah, but they named it dubstep and dance to it.”

   That awesome moment when you flip your pillow over to the cold side.

   Love doesn't need to be perfect, it just needs to be true.

   Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.

   Don't waste sweetness on someone that is bitter.

   I would love to agree with you, but there is no point in both of us being wrong.

   Obama just endorsed oxygen. Republicans immeditely starting holding their breath.

   I ran 3 miles after work today and stopped by Arby's and got me LARGE chedder cheese and roast beef samich and some fries . Take that Michelle .