Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was gonna tell my wife she sucks for not giving me an@l but then I realized she doesn't do that either.

   What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend.

   Never tell a lady you wanna have sex with her mouth. Ask NICELY. "May you show me what your mouth can do?" Be a damn gentleman for once!

   Dear people that celebrate whenever they acquire a new "hater", add ME to the list.

   It is not like I was a productive person before Facebook anyway

   I perform my best sexually at gunpoint.

   Everyone knows MC Hammer pants were designed for shoplifting.

   You get into alotta trouble living with a lazy eye, cause no matter how you look at someone, it's always the wrong way.

   Ecuador gave Julian Assange asylum because they're afraid he'll tell everyone which countries they think are cute.

   Guys; You know you need to lose weight when your girlfriend is always wanting to suck on your titties.

   My empty fridge just whispered, "When's Payday?"

   I love cooking for my man because it makes me feel both independent and oppressed at the same time.

   Kristen Stewart has the same face expression I have everytime I check in a hotel with no wifi

   Alcohol only hurts me because it loves me.

   Nobody has enough cargo to need those pants.

   The guy who plotted for 18 years to kill his wife, obviously could have done with a little help from his wife to plan that sh!t.

   Babe, you're my bucket list.

   Wouldn't be surprised if Whoopi Goldberg's ass hairs are also dreadlocked.

   It'd be so much easier if you ladies wore @nal beads as necklaces, that way we would know up front you like ass play.

   I can tell how much weight I need to lose by whether I get hit on by a white, Mexican or bl@ck guy.