Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Her vibrat0r is a very close second.

   My body language must be in a foreign language because nobody seems to understand me.

   Sometimes I cover myself in vasoline and pretend I'm a slug.

   Lost my hearing a few years back. It's gonna suck when my wife finds out...

   Told my wife today she looked sexy with black fingernails Now she thinks I slammed the car door on them on purpose !!!!!

   I can turn wine into sex.

   it really considered a date if I have to keep tipping her?

   You need a woman whose last name doesn't end in .jpg, .wmv, or .mpg

   The fact that you can still make me smile really pisses me off.

   Some guys shave their balls, but real men tweeze.

   I get so forgetful during sex... wrong username or wrong safe word every time.

   I have no sympathy for amateurs who make sex tapes or take nude pics of themselves and cry “invasion of privacy” when they fail to safeguard them and they leak to the media and public.

   If you can take my girl, then you can have her. If I can take your girl, then you can have her too.

   n't it weird when you see someone driving a car they have no business driving? Like when you see me driving away in your car?

   I sometimes choke on my food just so someone will hold me.

   I am going to walk over and start shaving my b@lls at the cubicle of the next person that clips their nails at work.

   I thought instagram was a cocaine delivery service.

   That 3D ultrasound photo you posted is scaring the sh*t out of everyone.

   I've learned something. The bigger the girl, the bigger the att!tude.

   Facebook is in a relationship with the stock market and it's complicated.