Funny Status Messages

   I've got the moves like jagger! Just kidding, I dance like a retarded penguin.

   Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

   "My phone's about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ....

   To the additional pot that was on the stove after I thought I was done washing the dishes, I hate your stinkin' guts.

   Congratulations to Iggy Pop who has managed to find a way to look great for his age and terrible for his age at the same time.

   It's cool when a band smashes their equipment after their last song. It'd be even cooler if Creed did it before their first song.

   I'm starting to believe that most people wouldn't be that much different if they were turned into actual zombies....

   If you can't be there for her tears, then don't expect to be around when other parts of her start gushing either...

   Google is my spellchecker.

   Religion is the greatest hate crime ever perpetrated by one man upon another.

   Everyone is addicted to something that takes away the pain.

   Oh, happy day! This week, Hollywood will be celebrating the 25th anniversary of the release of "Dirty Dancing". Pardon me while I vomit.

   I'm single by choice. Not MY choice. But it's still a choice

   How are there 45 shows about storage units and 23 about pawn shops and not a single show about women doing yoga?

   Not enough rap songs out there stressing the importance of eating carbs before drinking champagne. So you can remember that h0e.

   You know its going to be a bad week for the GOP when skinny dipping while drunk at a holy site isn't your party's biggest scandal.

   Over the hill . . . is better than under it

   My obsessive compulsive disorders bring boys to the yard. In alphabetical order

   I will no longer use Facebook as a vehicle for being a wise ass.I will use it to uplift,edify and educate,as it was intended.

   When they cut up carrots for frozen mixed vegetables,they get all these perfect squares.What do they do with the curved part?I spent the better part of a night trying to reconstruct one from the bag and there were no pointy ends either.