Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm really looking forward to the hurricane coverage to see which news reporter falls flat on their face from the wind...Ahhh, watching them fall never gets old!

   If bad things happen in threes I'd hate to be Billie Joe Armstrong today.

   Don't you love when you put a load in the dishwasher and it swallows?

   First Michael Jackson and now Neil Armstrong.I see god is no fan of moon-walkers.

   The man, whos 1 step was a giant leap for mankind has died. RIP Neil Armstrong.

   •You know you're getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.

   If Satan ever loses his hair, there will be Hell toupee.

   If they'd only let him keep his Tour de France titles, Neil Armstrong would still be with us today.

   This dishwasher sucks. It's already ruined three of my paper plates.

   My parents are great people, except when they invite their crazy relatives

   The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this "I know your high" look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got the f#ck out of there.

   Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants? A: Because his pecker is on his head!

   Anyone ever worry about summoning a demon by unknowingly drawing a mystic symbol with their Toaster Strudel icing?

   Has anyone noticed that there aren't many play-places at fast food restaurants anymore? Probably because none of those kids chowing down on burgers and fries can fit through the tunnels.

   Nicki Minaj looks like the type of person who would just squat & take a sh!t in the middle of a busy street, not wipe, & keep on walking.

   I love myself because I don't have enough money to make other people do it.

   Whenever I silently fart, around my girlfriend, I say "Do you smell blueberry muffins?" so that she takes a few big whiffs and passes out.

   My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.

   Might love you quicker if you bring me more Liquor.

   The person who truly sees will marvel at everyday things.