Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have discovered that when you give people advice through the medium of interpretive dance, they quickly regret asking you for it, and go away.

   The duct tape, prevents glass shards from flying around when broken.

   Come on Issac, the convention is about to start, don't let us down.

   just realized who I am.... The Vodka Whisperer

   glad to see today was set aside for all the skanks out there. Happy National Dog Day!!

   Anyone thought how they might want to die? I want to die during a routine liposuction...

   If you find something wrong with EVERY person you meet maybe its because you haven't been introduced to yourself!

   IF god exists, why is he supporting the government?

   HURRICANE Tip: Make certain to create a giant "X" with duct tape on all your windows to alert neighbors you are an idiot.....

   Every time I see someone post, "Who wants to Facetime me?"...... I giggle a little bit.... Please tell me I'm not the only one.

   I'll start respecting religion when it starts respecting every human being equally regardless of race, gender, & sexuality.

   SWEARING: because sometimes "gosh darn-it" and "meanie head" just don't cut it

   Life is full of rejection. Even my credit card has been denied

   The first person who offers to tell you about the facts of life usually doesn't have a clue...

   Yellow, Orange, Red. Gatorade has colors, not flavors.

   Drunk Logic: "she's only ugly in the face."

   Every time I fart in my office, it's always 2 seconds before someone decides to walk in.

   A beautiful woman is a beautiful woman...but a beautiful woman with a brain is a lethal combo.

   If I could do it all over again. I would have kids and raise them in an Amish Community and make them believe that it is the year 1693. Then when they are 16, I'm going to tell them I've invented a 'Time Machine', and I will send them into the 'future'

   Love you ALL!!! Yes even you, you twisted little duck lipped 18 year old friend of my daughter...