Funny Status Messages

   Dear lady who says she will only date guys who drive Mercedes or BMW cars, yet your father drives a Hyundai; Why can't you be humble like your mother?

   Just updated my resume. Hobbies section now includes: "Currently tied with Lance Armstrong in Tour de France victories."

   Say what you want about Lance Armstrong, but I think being the first man to walk on the Moon is an amazing achievement. They can never take that away from him...

   After relationships with Russell Brand and John Mayer, Katy Perry should just ask Magic Johnson to spit in her mouth.

   Since you've turned this fairy tale marriage into a horror film, I'll be in the kitchen getting some knives.

   If at least one ex hasn't called you psycho, you aren't living life to the fullest.

   My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won't eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won't use his skull as a cup.

   I want to be flabbergasted by something other than ignorance.

   .the world does not revolve around you, it revolves around the sun...which shines out my ass.

   Today I seek some truth and fulfilment but I'll settle for some bacon.

   I'm single by choice. Not my choice. Women's choice.

   Alcohol is never the solution to your problems! But since we're not looking for any solutions but more problems, lets get drunk!

   If I had a dollar for every time someone caught me 80s dancing in my car I could afford to tint these windows.

   Angry sex is awesome, but I wouldn't recommend oral till the makeup sex

   Coffee is like an engine starter; you might be powerful, but even a jet engine needs a starter.

   The only time I can't hold my liquor is when I have a bong in one hand and a lighter in the other.

   For the first time in history a chinese product has come up with a one year warranty.......MISS WORLD 2012 is Miss China, who will hold the tag for at least an year

   I like my women like I like my glasses, sitting on my face

   My girlfriend came in while I was watching the football highlights she said, "Awww, is this the Paralympics?" I said, "No, it's Dallas Cowboys."

   I saw my neighbour jogging at 1am this morning and said "It's a bit late for you Kathy, isn't it ?". She said "I couldn't sleep". I said "That's not what I meant, you fat b*tch"....