Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Snooki has given birth. This can only mean one thing to the cast of Jersey Shore: placenta shots!

   The speed of a movie loading on Netflix is approximately three sandwiches.

   wants to be the very best, like no-one ever was

   I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.

   Watching the RNC, I find it quite ironic that Romney is wearing flip-flops.

   will now destroy a little piece of everyone's childhood by pointing out that "The Banana Splits" were the ORIGINAL furries

   Remember ladies, you can be anything you want, like a Doctor's nurse, a lawyer's clerk or the President of the US………..Shoppers Association.

   Danggggit! Lets just put Louisana on Craiglist! Maybe the French can buy it back.

   Sees you just vacuumed the floor. Opens up a Nature Valley bar.

   Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick

   Scientists at the Department of Microbiology Research are studying over 300 types of virus and bacteria. Or as they refer to her, "Mary the African prostitite"

   You know what I'd really like from a woman? Consent.

   I woke up this morning to the sound of crickets outside. Then I quickly realised, it was the wife lying next to me with her legs open.

   If winning was easy, losers would do it.

   ever danced with the devil in the pail of moon light ?

   I seen the most awesome black colored horse the other day. If she was mine, I'd call her ShaNeighNeigh ツ

   There is nothing worse than a broke ass high maintenance woman.

   I don't have ADHD. I have ADOLS. Attention deficit..OH LOOK! Skittles!

   it is LITERALLY impossible to tell if a Skrillex track is skipping

   I had a dream last night that I met Skrillex and I told him NOT to star in the remake of "The Crow", that it would ruin Brandon Lee's legacy. He agreed.