Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Before updating my status l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

   crazy woman on the train claiming Jesus was coming back, so I stood up and said, "yes, I am back and you are a sinner". She really freaked out when I started baptizing her with my water bottle.

   Great move NASA, let's blast Will.I.Am's music into space. That will definately let every alien nation know we are intelligent. Throw in some Beiber while your at it.

   Boys, if you don't look like Calvin Klein models, don't expect us to look like Victoria's Secret Angels.

   BEST ADVICE: Stick to One-Night-Stands, The biggest cause of marriage is dating.

   I remember in 1st grade, if you were the line leader you were the s$it!

   Being nice to the people you don't like isn't called 2 faced, its called growing up.

   For all of those that think alcohol is a problem... according to Chemistry: Alcohol is a solution. Thanks science!

   Starbucks really knows how to put the "fee" in coffee.

   Be yourself" is the worst advice you can give to some people.

   If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you're not naked near enough.

   Will you write on your girlfriend's Facebook wall telling her how much you love each her?" ~Said Nobody, ever.

   Oh, you brought a laptop with you to Starbucks? You must be so very important.

   Don't worry, the spider is smaller than you "Yeah.. So is a grenade.?

   I love people who gossip behind my back... that's just where they belong, behind ME!

   Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

   If you aren't liberal as a youth, you don't have a heart. If you aren't conservative as an adult, you don't have a brain…

   How scary was it when robo-cop took his helmet off for the first time?

   I was driving through a parking lot and this young guy was walking along, texting. He briefly glanced at my truck passing by and was timing his walk so he would pass by right behind my truck as I drove by....he didn't see the ladder sticking out the back.

   I swear if my memory gets any worse, i'll be able to plan my own surprise party.