Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   what can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon???

   When I was a kid I was really scared of the dark. Two of them mugged me and stole

   The J€ws only use the Old Testament, because its too expensive to upgrade.

   Best pickup line: "I don't have a gag reflex."

   Glancing in the mirror this morning, I gasped in horror. mouth opened I slowly raised my hand to my head and plucked not 1, but 2 grey hairs from my fringe line! it was at that moment in time that it finally hit me.....I'm getting old!!!

   Got up at 6am. Did yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

   I suspect someone has a voodoo doll of me out there that they make watch Jersey Shore and listen to Justin Bierber.

   GIRL TALK: Leaving me gasping for air after we have sex wins you a second round.

   GIRL PICK UP LINES: "I want to be the girl that takes your breath away and gives you CPR with my v@gina"

   An apple a day takes a billion dollars away

   Tell her you love her hair, her eyes, the way she wrinkles her nose...and get laid this weekend.

   Someone called me selfish and then paused as if they expected me to argue.

   My wife hates it when I drink. Or breathe.

   A good head on HIS shoulders will open doors. Great head on HER knees will open every single door.

   My american dream is to live off medicaid, welfare and food stamps.. then I can spend all day on facebook ;)

   I loveee how my iPhone looks without a case but it's too risky......

   Finally loses virginity. 3 more years left in prison.

   I'm making a bucket list, Some of the girls on my friends list are on it

   Somewhere in Kenya, a village is missing it's idiot

   Jersey Shore just got cancelled. Clearly an act of God. Your move, atheists.