Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now is the later I avoided earlier.

   I hate it when I get into argument with another person and that other person is me.

   My boss asked if I had any special skills so I put my hand under my armpit to make fart sounds. We laughed and now I'm clearing out my desk

   Call me insensitive but I'm going ahead and declaring Art Modell's passing as the Browns first win this season. 1-0 baby!

   ....and THAT is how I won the staring contest against Mt Rushmore.

   Some call it "being naive", I call it "just not caring enough to look into it any further" ...

   "Always leave them wanting more" is my standard approach to paying bills.

   Nicolas Cage stars in the movie 'Stolen', in which he frantically searches for his missing daughter, who has been kidnapped. The producers originally had a different name for the film, but it was already Taken.

   "What are you in for?" "Ran a red light." "They sent you to prison for that?" "Well, I also ran the brothel behind it."

   My Dad should be in the Guinness Book Of World Records. I'm pretty sure no one has ever taken twenty seven years to go and get a pint of milk.

   I really love my new tattoo. "No pain, no g"

   How are the VMA's even possible when they dont play music??

   I don't drink no more. I don't drink no less, either...

   My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she prolly meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)

   love The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed

   I sing in the shower. I think I sound pretty good. The other people in the gym don't agree

   This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that's also the last time I'll buy cheap toilet paper...

   Worst thing about strip clubs is the women totally hog the poles. Maybe I'm really good! At least give me a turn.

   I got recognized once. It was at my friend's house. He was all, "Hey, you really should call first." So cool.

   On the weekends, I'm a Cupcake War reenactor.