Funny Status Messages

   Be yourself, you already have the costume.

   A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he's prolly just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, thats what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together ツ

   if I had a nickel for every girl I slept with, I'd have...like...some nickels...

   My nickname for my mother was Hannibal Lecture.

   Pictures of rich missing kids should go on the back of 1% milk.

   I put little notes in my kids' lunch bags so their friends will mock them ruthlessly.

   I would like to thank my boss for the job that gives me health insurance that covers my anxiety medication that I need to take because of this job.

   "It wasn't always easy growing up. Sometimes we had to wait .04 seconds for 9 million Google results to load." - 2044 Presidential candidate

   I'm one of those Dads that tells his son to push back when he's been pushed.

   It is unfair that girls mature faster than boys. Girls get their boobs at 13,, and men get their boobs when they're in their 40's

   Throwing ice at people because they need to chill...

   1..2..3.. SMILE! "...... "did you take it yet?" "crap its on video!"

   Warning to my friends who don't eat sweet and fatty foods, don't drink coffee, don't stay up late: One of these days you'll lose friends. Everyone's dead except you

   I know a kid named Jay, but we call him J for short.

   When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking... Unless the answer is yes... In which case, can he videotape it?

   She left the toilet seat up. I found the perfect woman... I hope

   women are like groceries....the really heavy ones should be double-bagged

   My wife walked in the living room and asked what was on the TV and I said dust…

   I want to get a racehorse named "my face" just so I can hear people shouting "come on my face!"

   I don't give a crap...I am voting for Romney just cuz Paul Ryan looks like "Doug" from The Hangover!!