Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Air Freshener: Because there's no louder way of telling the whole house you've just taken a sh*t...

   My wife looks super hot without glasses. That's why I stopped wearing them.

   It's like my Fantasy Football players aren't listening to a single word of the speech I gave to my TV.

   To the guys saying they want a girl who will fix them a snack after sex: If she's capable of walking you haven't earned a damn sandwich!

   On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

   If you ALWAYS think the grass is greener on the other side, it might be because you need to take better care of your own sh!t.

   I don't hate anyone like I hate the person who waits for me outside the bathroom to finish.

   GOP strategy last 3 years: Filibuster everything to prevent the economy from recovering, wait for 2012, then ask why the economy is bad.

   FYI: We'll stop blaming Bush when you stop running on Bush's ideas!

   You don't know fear until you hear someone cough underneath your bed.

   According to astronomy, whenever you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years late. The star is dead. Just like your dreams.

   Listen lady, if you stop screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.

   I invented an app that detects your proximity to an obstacle as you walk and text, then takes your pic on impact and posts to Instagram.

   I'd rather lose an eye than show an old person how to use a computer.

   seen the calvin klein underware ad on youtube, haven't skipped ad in days. Well played YouTube, well played.

   what do we want? "a cure for obesity !" when do we want it? "after dinner!"

   I'm not saying she's fat...... But if you asked me to name my 5 fattest friends.... She would be 3 of them.

   for fun put some pop rocks in the cats litter pan

   Hey fellas.... Do you buy your pants on sale? Cuz at my house they would be 100% off.....

   Spiderman isnt the only one that gets sticky hands after using the Web all day...... If you know what I mean ;)