Funny Status Messages

   My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.

   Everyone’s a gangster until they touch something wet in the garbage

   *First day as a missing person* Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.

   My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop. Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.

   I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

   I wonder if I can do a reverse mortgage on my student loan and then when I die they can have my degree.

   My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge. He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.

   I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti cannons because I like to party.

   we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met

   I wish everything was as easy as gaining weight.

   Blackened Chicken Recipe: 1. Clean chicken 2. Place chicken in oven 3. Go check social media

   Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii or just a low ha…🤔

   Ivanka Trump announced she got the vaccine shot. This means, no matter what I believe, I have to get the shot too or else the Trump family will hate me.

   I send women a picture of my medicine cabinet so they know Exactly what they are getting into 😛

   Oxygen was dicovered in 1977....

   Do beavers even know what they're doing? Or do they just see water flowing down a river and think, "Absolutely not!"

   To those who oppose Governor Desantis' covid revisions, kindly remain locked up in your homes with your masks firmly attached to your faces along with your heads up your a$$es.

   I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid. And my shoes got wet.

   I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich. I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

   They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.