Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know I mean business when I spin my phone keyboard into landscape mode.

   Fun word of the day... Tittysprinkles!!!

   I hate how after an argument I think of more clever things I should have said...

   Keep NFL Straight Footballl!!!!

   I'm an okay dancer until I whip out the finger guns, then I'm just majestic.

   being home all day with my kids don't affect me at all. Now let me go tinkle on the potty before we go bye-bye to din-din I'm so hun-gee!

   Didn't Paul Ryan play the part of Eddie Munster ?

   Those people that put up Halloween decorations way too early deserve it when they blow away in the wind today.

   It's funny when girl's think guys are hanging with you, just to be "friends" haha

   I asked her out and she said yes, but sadly I ended up going on a date with her expectations.

   You know you're drunk when you swerve to miss a tree and it's the air freshener in your car!!!!

   Zombies are dropping dead all over Washington, and other state capitals. Reports by foxnews say they are starving to death, due to no significant brain tissue in these areas!!!

   They will take you for granted as long as they know you will always take them back.

   Nothing is more beautiful than a smile that bursts through tears.

   If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what's the first thing you'd buy?

   Coffee should be embarrassed by how little it helps me get through the day.

   I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.

   True friendship comes with an inherent mutual non-disclosure and confidentiality agreement.

   "Seize the Day" in Latin is "Carpe Diem" in dbag it's "YOLO"

   My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.