Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I will never be mature enough that if you hate me I won't hate you back.

   I'm just like Jesus except I can't turn water into wine, just life into shi t.

   Let's get weird and watch Oprah together.

   Movies are so unrealistic. This guy's using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

   I would like to remind everyone it's not the size of the boat... Or the motion of the ocean, but the whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passangers have gotten off.

   I could breathe fire but I don't want to waste alcohol.

   Can't believe they've made a Taken 2...Liam Neeson must be an even worse father than Gerry McCann

   Ok, but like, on a scale of 1 to 10, how married are you?

   Just saw a big gal's tramp stamp when she bent over. I'm not sure if it was a butterfly or a pterodactyl.

   Marriage in America is just an attempt to make the other person feel like they can't cheat.

   Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.

   In the grand scheme of things, we don't mean diddly squat. Get over yourself.

   there a better way to let people in a bar know you're an a$$hole other than carrying around a motorcycle helmet?

   Come to me dirty money, I will wash you clean.

   Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I'm going to the liquor store and I'm afraid it may be closed.

   I'd rather drown going against the current than glide along a journey I don't believe in.

   I like my women like I like my ribs. Sticky and all over my fingers.

   I'm a much better person than Mitt Romney. I only believe 30% of people are entitled freeloaders.

   does not see the justification why we often have to deal with temporary inconveniences that are created by permanently incompetent minds..

   There are two types of people who can tell you the truth about yourself: an enemy who has lost his temper and a friend who loves you dearly.