Funny Status Messages

   I asked her out and she said yes, but sadly I ended up going on a date with her expectations.

   You know you're drunk when you swerve to miss a tree and it's the air freshener in your car!!!!

   Zombies are dropping dead all over Washington, and other state capitals. Reports by foxnews say they are starving to death, due to no significant brain tissue in these areas!!!

   They will take you for granted as long as they know you will always take them back.

   Nothing is more beautiful than a smile that bursts through tears.

   If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what's the first thing you'd buy?

   Coffee should be embarrassed by how little it helps me get through the day.

   I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.

   True friendship comes with an inherent mutual non-disclosure and confidentiality agreement.

   "Seize the Day" in Latin is "Carpe Diem" in dbag it's "YOLO"

   My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.

   I remember when I was a kid and dishwear sets from China used to be very expensive

   Picasso emoticon: ' < __ ,

   Happy people don't take long showers.

   There comes a time when you gotta stand up and take responsibility for your actions. I like to call this, the nap time.

   BRAIN: Say something! MOUTH: You didn't call me last night. Don't bother. BRAIN: Smooth. V@GINA: This is why we don't have nice things.

   I see your chinstrap facial hair, and I raise you an IQ test.

   I will never be mature enough that if you hate me I won't hate you back.

   I'm just like Jesus except I can't turn water into wine, just life into shi t.

   Let's get weird and watch Oprah together.