Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today I will be signing books at Barnes and Noble until they kick me out for vandalizing books again. Come say hello!

   I'm not saying I'm tired but I did just try to unlock a door with my wallet.

   These replacement refs are so bad that in a taste test between Coke and Pepsi, they picked Sprite.

   "Vigorous sex can give you temporary amnesia." To be honest, sex with me is pretty forgettable anyway...

   It makes me sad to think there are people in this world who have a Kardashian as their favorit celeb.

   Me: Tell me about yourself. Her: Well, I love to laugh! Me: Wow, how unique! Next…

   bacon shortage?? Well played vegatarians, well played...

   Not sure how I feel about this potential BACON shortage...Save The Squeals.

   I got so frustrated watching my wife play Kinect sports earlier that I smashed the controller against the wall.

   Dating a single mother: It's like continuing from somebody else's saved game.

   I hate how many French people play Call of Duty 4, you usually get 'host ended game' before any bullets have been fired.

   My wife told me she's loving me because I don't listen to her properly.

   The first rule of iPhone 5 club is you tell everyone about iPhone 5 club.

   It was the busta rhymes,,, It was the wursta rhymes

   an iOS6 user walks into a bar...or a bank...or a river...they're not sure, really !

   "I only cheated on you with girls" is the most beautiful thing a woman has ever said to me.

   When I am in love, I'm like a bird soaring through the sky straight into a window.

   All women are crazy, but it takes just one a$$hole to bring it out

   My wife does all the cooking. Except the meth. I cook all the meth.

   Was asked if I have a drinking problem. I said no, I've got it figured out