Funny Status Messages
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Your third grade spelling is what really made me laugh! 
Honey the only reason I'll ever kick you out if bed is to Feck you in the floor.
Oh I'm sorry.. I didn't know it was "bring your feelings to work day".
Remember,,, The worst things in life are free, too
I'm holding tryouts for my band tonight... So far it's Crackhead Tim on flute & Captain Potato salad whispering into a paper cup,,, so we're kind of just looking for dancers.
"Your Only Fools and Horses addiction is ruining my life," shouted my wife, "I want you out of this house right now!""Ok," I replied, "I'll fetch the suitcase from the van."
I've come up with a new chapstick that helps fat people lose weight. I call it "Superglue."
No smartphones for my kids. They need to suffer from years of fleeting, awkward eye contact with strangers like I did.
My boyfriend says I treat him like a child. So I gave him a sticker for standing up for himself.
I hope the woman of my dreams delivers pizza, otherwise I'm never gonna meet her
That wonderful feeling when your anus itches and your fart vibrates just enough to satisfy the itch...
Tonight I saw a man pull the stick from his corn dog and eat it without the stick. It was me. I did that. I am capable of anything.
I am not an alcoholic... I have an alcohol fetish.
Can I still call it mimosa if its in a flask?
Somewhere out there is a legitimate Nigerian Prince crying into a huge pile of cash.
The only math I'm good at is adding insult to injury.
I like picking fights with myself simply because the make-up masturbation is sooo good.
If you're a grown ass man, and I can see your gum when you chew it, you get throat punched. Grandma's rules, sorry.
If ladies were labeled heroes instead of sluts for sleeping around too much, us guys would be having a lot more sex. Someone screwed up here.
Spooning For girls: A nice, warm and cozy cuddle. Spooning For guys: A dead arm, a face full of hair and an awkward erection you can't do anything about. 