Funny Status Messages
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My neighbor swears he was anally probed by an alien. Anyone want a slightly used alien costume? 
I think a lot better when my mind is blank!
THE QUESTION ISN'T Who Won Debate? THE QUESTION IS Who Swallowed DE-BATE!
Warning Ladies: Alcohol may cause the following side effects: 1. Compulsive giggling. 2. Delusions of awesomeness. 3. Temporary lesbianism.
We were bored and pretended it was love.
You win some, you booze some!
Dear Doctor Phil, I was wacking off, looking out our bathroom window at the neighbor lady sunbathing topless. And seen my wife watching me with her arms crossed and giving me a dirty look...My question is, Is she perverted?
When I date single moms, I tell the kids "I'm not trying to fill the hole left by your father; just the ones inside your mother."
The only good part about some people is forgetting them.
October is breast cancer awareness month. So I stare, ladies.... cuz I care
I laugh at your claims to bravely take on a zombie apocalypse when most of you won't even stand up to a spider.
Stranger things have happened. Remember how Mary, Jesus's mother got pregnant without sex??
I always tell the ladies that the magic happens in the bedroom because their high hopes of sexual fulfillment seem to disappear there.
I may not be the guy you're looking for or the guy who you think you would fall in love with, but I deserve a chance to prove you wrong dammit!
"I barely know you are you sure you want to have sex?" Things you will never hear a guy say
Girls; Don't kill yourself over a boy. He'll just bring another girl to your funeral.
Whenever I attend a wedding, to truly celebrate the anticipated short duration of the marriage, I throw Minute Rice.
I've looked all over ESPN for last night's WWE match winners but it's like it's not a real sport…
If voting really mattered, politicians would try to make it illegal.
No word from my date last night. I texted "We Might As Well Be Strangers" & "This Is The Last Time!" Hope I'm not coming across too Keane. 