Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I prefer to drink in the comfort of my own home where I can yell and scream at the ones I love in peace and quiet. 
Some dude just gave me the finger guns and said "cool beans, bro." It's a beautiful day for a little arson.
I hate when I visit the doctor and he smiles at me like everything is dandy. I'm sick you moron. Act grim, like the world's ending or something.
Has either candidate even addressed the fact that we're running out of stripper names?
I suspect Adele ate her last name.
What the hell did we do during blow jobs before cell phones?
The biggest obstacle bi-racial, Kentucky couples face is agreeing on which liquor name to give their daughter.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
"Message Seen" in Facebook I'm is the absolute best way to weed out "Friends"
Why is the literature with my ADD meds so long?? Don't they know I have ADD??
The Judge denied Jerry Sandusky's request to serve 30-60 in a Juvenile Detention Center.
It makes me very uncomfortable when the doctor is checking my balls for lumps. Especially during a prostate exam.
My girlfriend wanted matching tattoos but they are permanent so I just asked her to marry me instead…
We're all just nudists in disguise.
blames everyone for his problems."Except Shaggy, because we all know it wasn't him".
I watched 5 minutes of baseball earlier. As soon as I realized it wasn't Bull Durham, I changed channels.
When I die I want the Cleveland browns to be my Pallbearers so they can let me down one last time
When I give a new girl the tour of my place I like to open the basement door while whispering "thaaats where the maaaagic happens..."
So, if I'm to believe Apple, my thumbs have grown half an inch and my ears changed shape since last year…
I have come to the conclusion that you can post almost anything on Facebook and most people will automatically assume it to be factual. The odds of this are increased if the post is witty and is accompanied by a cute picture. 