Funny Status Messages

   I'm always very flattered and humbled when I get an invitation on facebook from someone I don't know, to attend something I never heard of, along with about 12,000 other people.

   On My Way To Walmart For Some Rascal Tipping

   Treat her like your trying to keep her!!

   alcohol turns people into the little engine that could...i think I can, I think I can

   I hate liars, hypocrites, & people who take advantage of people who care about them

   I need to print some my Facebook friends' status updates on toilet paper so I can wipe my a?s with them

   Whoever coined the phrase "you don't know what you got till its gone" was talking about toilet paper, probably

   There's a difference between who we love, who we settle for, and who we're meant for.

   Kids, try dealing with bullies the way I did: Grow up to be smarter, wealthier and better looking than them and then add them on Facebook.

   The saddest people in the world always seem to be the nicest.

   When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.

   There are the same number of people on Facebook today as there were people in the whole world in 1804

   When it comes to returning emails, I only have two speeds: within 3 seconds or within 3 months

   I don't understand Bill Clinton's surge in popularity....Didn't he leave office a dozen years ago as an impeached, disgraced, censured, lying, philandering 2 timing, womanizing, intern-humping, hillbilly?

   Cop: Can you explain 2 me why you were doing 87 in a 60 zone? Me: I was haulin a$$ home to watch "Cops".

   I watched a great puppet show last week. I think it was called The American Presidential debates or something

   There's always that one person you regret giving your number to.

   As it turns out, saying you worked out,,, Is MUCH easier than actually working out.

   I am The King of Sting & The Master of Disaster !

   I've got an Erection with a Direction .!.