Funny Status Messages

   Instead of driving a smart car, you should probably go to driving class.

   My lawyer friend prefers to be called an attorney...but I still prefer douchebag!

   I hate when your p issing at someone's house and your p iss comes out in 2 streams: one in the toilet and one on the seat...

   Guys and their smartphones have it made now. Back In the day the only way we could prove we got some was to let our friends smell our finger!!

   The more I stalk my new neighbor, the better I feel I know her.

   When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirin, and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.

   If you never felt up a passed out girl, your college experience scuked…

   I support g@y marriage simply because the divorce hearings will be epic!!!

   My sweet dance moves bring all the boys to the yard and they're all, "Somebody call 911! This b itch is having a seizure!" :(

   How come only women get Fibromyalgia? Is it a make believe condition like PMS??

   I like kids, only because they remind me to buy more condoms.

   Marriage is less about biting your partner's lip and more about biting your own.

   If you play your cards right, she'll want you to poker.

   I just want a man who knows the difference between… Its/It's… Your/You're… Two/To/Too… Their/There/They're… and eats my pu$$y like a pro.

   If my girlfriend ever suggests we start seeing other people, I'll be doing someone else before she can find her car keys.

   This girl just rolled her eyes so hard at me she opened a trans-dimensional vortex.

   If you had to run through a Cambodian mine field, or let Lindsay Lohan drive you to the store, which running shoes would you choose?

   I'd rather see a same sex marriage than a no sex marriage.

   If you love someone, screw their brains out on a daily basis, and letting them go will never become an issue.

   Your eyes look so pretty with my hand around your throat.