Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837.

   The doctor said I may have a strained abdominal muscle which is cool because that means I have an abdominal muscle

   When the car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a bit so the cars behind me can see I'm not causing the traffic.

   Occasionally, I like to go to walmart, buy a jar of Vaseline, a cucumber and a Bottle of Gin and wink at the cashier

   I am so lazy that I don't even run in Grand theft auto

   If sober me won't do it...drunk me will.

   Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 34, looking for some action!", so I sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.

   You would think these "self checkout" lanes at walmart would have a curtain or something....this is embarassing :-[

   What bores me is repetition, i.e. when people repeat themselves. It's boring and repetitive. Boring. Like repetitive posts. They bore me.

   Holy shi t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?

   If we're standing there kissing and my hands are in your pants, I'm what you'd call a sure thing.

   Just had a dude wink at me and I felt my clit try to crawl inside my v@gina

   I once dated a woman in her 50s, guys, I can tell you, teeth are sometimes highly overrated.

   Know what's sexy? Everyone…right after I finish my 5th beer.

   My biggest fear is being the guy that gets pushed out of the way when a criminal is running from a cop.

   Before I fall in love I usually fall over the barstool.

   The fat jokes may be funny, but remember, sometimes the fatties slim up and then the jokes on you.

   What's that word to describe the aching sadness of missing someone you've never met? Oh yeah, INSANITY.

   I make PMS jokes around women all the time just to know what it feels like to live dangerously.

   Hey guys with a sexy accent. I have a v@gina that would like to speak to your tongue.