Funny Status Messages

   I'm perfecting a new perfume called "Forever Alone".... It smells like Lean Cuisines and cats.

   You're not a loser because you're covered in tattoos. You're covered in tattoos because you're a loser…

   Got home from work,, The Athlete in me said go bike 10 miles, but then the Couch Potato in me said, kick back, have a drink and turn on the boob tube.....

   This just in: Hurricane Sandy hits Cuba, does $6,000,000.00 in improvements!!

   If you've never tried to use "the force" to get a an out-of-reach remote control, you're probably not as lazy as me.

   Today's kids play TSA agent instead of doctor.

   Fact: 82% of men that announce they are in the "Hiz-ouse" reside in their mom's "Biz-asement."

   "The Goddess that is Judge Judy"....said no one ever.

   If a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?

   My alcoholic friends are upset with me. I kept "sober" texting them at 3 in the afternoon

   "Please scream as loud as you possibly can," says the dentist to his patient. "Why should I do that?" "The waiting room's full and the football game's on in ten minutes."

   Being single sucks. The only thing I get to do is whatever I want.

   Don't think we didn't notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.

   Fun game: Send texts to random numbers saying "OK they're Dead, what should I do with the bodies?"

   Don't worry about where I got the tennis ball shooter. Do you want to fill it with meatballs and fire it at fat kids or not?

   I wonder if correcting someone's spelling ever got anyone laid?

   The sexual frustration at this church bake sale is palpable.

   My hair has the 'I just did it' look going on. My hair is a liar.

   I hope my kids never ask to me to explain why Simpsons p0rn exists.

   When a status starts out with “I seen”, it never ends with “in a book I once read.”