Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What evidence is there that cats are so smart, anyway? What do they do? Because they’re clean? I am sorry. My Uncle Pete showers four times a day and he can’t count to ten. So don’t give me hygiene.

   If I can survive seeing my mom google “best jeans for oddly shaped teens” I can survive anything.

   To many environmentally-friendly Facebook philosophers and not enough people willing to bend over to pick up a piece of garbage.

   If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today

   Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace

   I want to lose weight, but I don`t want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.

   You can fear God all you like. Me, on the other hand, will be friends with God.

   "Well at least I don't have to wake up early any more." Is what I want my tombstone to say

   Common sense is not a gift, it's a punishment. Because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it.

   So does the voice that gives us the weather warnings have a name??

   Hurricanes are wet. Very wet. With lots of wet water. Not many people know that.

   If your enemy insist on taking horse dewormer.....let them.

   When the quarantine lasts longer than expected and your cousin starts looking extra thick.

   Started a new diet, nothing but baked beans and prune juice for the next nine weeks.

   Some guy asked me why scuba divers always fall backwards into the water. I told him if they fell forwards they would still be in the boat.

   If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw. ..Just in case!

   You know growing up I could tell who had money and who didn't. People with money had Tupperware people without money had butter containers.. We used butter and cool whip containers

   does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to crap themselves every single day of a trip?

   Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy

   Did the dinosaurs on the Flintstones know that they could eat the people instead of working for them?