Funny Status Messages

   I never thought that an ex-stripper, gold-digger would be more respected than every doctor in the world, but here we are.

   How am I suppose to know that you're happy and you know it if you don't clap your hands?

   My favorite part of looking back on childhood is trying to deduce which adults in charge were just barely keeping their shi*t together.

   WalMart is giving away free school clothes to anyone that can outrun security

   We used to experiment with launching monkeys into space. Now it is CEOs. Progress.

   One teacher can change your whole life. Like the one that knocked up my cousin.

   The only difference between a colonoscopy and Taco Bell is money.

   If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually go to the bathroom in a day.

   You know what would would solve the whole Kaepernick issue? If only he was a better football player..

   I can say that most of my mistakes can be traced back to when I decided to get out of bed.

   Friends come and go, but pizza is forever.

   I really admire China at this years olympics. They use the same athlete for every event!!

   my future depends on my dreams so I think il go to sleep'

   Remember the Fable of the Tortoise & the Hare. They were both soup the next day.

   At some point the possum actually dies. Then all that practice finally pays off.

   Everyone go get vaccinated so we don't prove Darwin's theory of natural selection to be correct.

   My friend just asked me if I'd seen his dog bowl......I was amazed and asked "What's his Average"

   What do I know about Bonsai trees? Very little.

   I’m vaccinated, but I still want you to stay away from me.

   Watching the matrix oh wait no, this is my facebook new feed.