Funny Status Messages

   I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

   If I ever get a vasectomy, I'm going to ask the doctor if they can make it so that, everytime I ejaculate, a little flag pops out that say “BAM!”

   I don't know how many girls it takes to change a light-bulb but I guarantee you they'd post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.

   Whoever said technology will replace paper... has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad.

   LOL at all these losers on Facebook on a Saturday night. I'll be here all night.

   THERE'S A TECHNIQUE IN LOVE: We follow the rule "Love one another" and if doesn't work, just swap the last two words, "Love another one"....

   Most of you like waking up in the morning..... to see the "com ments" and "likes" that your sta tus received. I like waking up in the morning....... to see.... WTF I po sted!

   Today, December 1st I am thankful for no more thankful posts.... it is officially December........ and I made it through last month without having to delete anyone..... oh ya! :D (and yes... I will not even wink an eye if you delete me!!!)

   thinks it is always a good idea to know someone's giving-to-receiving ratio before dating them.

   Mowing the grass on December 1st. Like every year, I'm having a green Christmas.

   The world's biggest lie...Person who f@rted: "I didn't f@rt! If I did, I'd claim it!"

   MMA would be way better if it was two people who'd never been in a fight before and done zero training.

   breaking news from ESPN. Javon Belcher listed as doubtful for tomorrow's game vs. Carolina

   avoids going to museums for fear he will get stuck overnight when everything comes alive.

   likes The Walking Dead, but there is way too much character development and not enough character devourment.

   doesn't get why sex is often referred to as 'sleeping with someone'. Do it right and neither one of you will be getting much sleep that night.

   in a honeymoon stage with his tablet. The two of us were made for each other. It makes me laugh, makes me cry and the two of us don't play games with each other... unless you count Frogger.

   My Christmas card this year is going to be a photo of a me in a recliner drinking a beer while watching football. It will say "Happy Holidays from a single guy."

   At the end of my dinner the waiter asks "wanna box" so I got up and knocked him out. I bet he won't ask that question again.

   I have to assume these next four weeks are incredibly difficult for anyone whose grandma actually was run over by a reindeer.