Funny Status Messages

   I'm the Taylor Swift of blaming others for my problems

   My wife hates it when she blows me a kiss around family and I catch it then pull down my pants and put it on my butthole.

   If a girl spits on your d ick right before she sucks it, that's the universal sign for "you should probably wear a c0ndom for this one".

   I shave before I masturbate because I'm worth it.

   My heart has no room for you but the trunk of my car does!

   December 7th, 1941. Never forget. I'm boycotting sushi.

   I like how on cop cars, "To protect and serve" is in quotes, like they're being sarcastic.

   MTV to Ring in New Year With Ke$ha and 'Jersey Shore' Cast. So if the world ends on the 21st, it will at least spare us that.

   My sixth sense is upon entering someone's home for the first time, I immediately know where the pillow forts should be built.

   Remember when there was a time limit on the drinking fountain as a kid? They need that at the Redbox!

   You like piña coladas, and getting caught in the rain. Thus, this intervention.

   "Mona Lisa sucked my kock once" Leonardo Da Vinci

   So How long do I microwave these teenage turtles before I can teach them karate ?

   Someone told me: Don't fall in love, you might get hurt. I said: Don't live, you might die..

   Just finished at Walmart and McDonald's. On my way to visit a family member in prison to complete the trifecta.

   I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don't know anything about cars, but I do know how po rn starts off

   I think there should be a special place in hell for whoever invented those strings of Christmas lights that wont work at all or blink half assed because one damn bulb is blown!

   Alright kids... Life is going to continue to throw the same lesson at you until you finally learn it, so don't act all surprised when your boyfriend/girlfriend situation explodes in flames like it always does when you keep choosing the same type of clowns

   Don't you hate when you rush to the bathroom and the lady in the next stall won't share the TP?!?!?!

   Due to those 5 extra minutes of sleep I got because of the snooze button I'm not even tired anymore --Said no one ever!