Funny Status Messages

   Every Taylor Swift song sounds like a long drawn out Facebook status

   Santa is really going to love the cookies he gets from Colorado and Washington this year..

   you can half your cake and eat it in two.

   ‎"Did you sit in a pile of sugar? Uhhh... 'cause you've got white stuff all over your butt." ~ Guy who's really bad at pick-up lines ツ

   jealous of his parents because he will never have a kid as awesome as theirs.

   I respect you. I'm just not IN respect with you.

   Why do people say you can;t have your cake and eat it too? That is the complete opposite of every cake having experience I have had in my life.

   Last night at the bar tried a new pick up line - told a woman it was my birthday. Only thing that turned her on was the possibility of cake.

   If distilleries donated a dollar for every whiskey shot done under an office desk, we could cure cancer by end of business today.

   "I see drunk people." - Me, playing the starring role in The Sixth Heavily-Impaired Sense

   Every time someone orders a high-end bourbon with Coke, the bartender should serve them a complimentary shot of regret.

   all I ask for is 100% loyalty, no strings attached.

   Alcohol is the gasoline on the highway to happiness.

   The less you give a damn, the happier you will be...

   Given my propensity to only check our mailbox about once a month,,, I'm guessing, my mail man also doubles as the Tetris champion of the universe.

   Tampon makers have announced that they will be replacing their tampon string with tinsel. They'll only be available for the Christmas period.

   Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day... Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV,,, and you can sleep for an extra hour.

   An ATM machine that gives you a hug and whispers 'Everything will be ok' into your ear when you check your account balance would be AWESOME!

   "You'll be hearing from my attorney!" Is usually what I tell random strangers leaving a public restroom.

   If I made cars I'd put an inflatable shark in place of an airbag in 1 out of every 100 cars just for fun.