Funny Status Messages

   Why did the Gingerbread Man go to the Doctor?...............He was feeling Crummy

   My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes...

   So you think you can fly a plane would be a fun show to watch...

   It's weird that when a normal girl dates a lot guys she's called many insulting things but when a celebrity does it she's Taylor Swift.

   I don't understand why anyone would sleep when they can stay up thinking about every wrong decision they've made. It doesn't make sense.

   I'm the Albert Einstein of avoiding eye contact in public.

   McDonald's is like if Ke$ha were a restaurant.

   This waking up and doing stuff seems like a thing we have to put up with for quite a while.

   I eat every meal like I'm going to be deported to Africa the next day or something.

   The biggest obstacle to living your life happily the way you want is other human beings.

   Kim Kardashian says she's heart broken after her kitten died from cancer. On the bright side, she's definitely in a better place now.

   “Pain management” is breaking up with someone that hurts you.

   If you can't do it naked, it's not worth doing.

   Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into buildings.

   My dog doesn't know I stubbed my toe and wasn't yelling at him, he's been hiding under the bed 45 minutes…I think he called the cops.

   Whoa. The house telephone thingy just rang. Couldn't remember what to do so I stopped, dropped and rolled.

   Dude, if you've never hit the brakes while your girl was putting on lipstick…we'll never be friends.

   Times are short and Money is hard... Here's Your Effin Christmas Card!!!

   People will stop making small talk with you if you simply wear clown makeup whenever you're out in public.

   If we make a baby, I want his or her name to remind us of that magic night - besides, how many other Doggystyle Rumplemintz Daniels can there be?