Funny Status Messages

   I find it humorous that all of a sudden people care about the Afghanistan people. God, humans are so hypocritical.

   I bet the people who voted for Biden are turning over in their graves

   Just got another text from my ex-wife saying "wish you were here" she does this every time she walks pass a cemetery

   "If you don't stop picking at that thing it will never heal." -Sound medical advice or an insult to a banjo player

   Money can't buy you happiness, but being poor can't buy you anything.

   Everyone my age already on baby no 3 I'm still on Mambo no 5

   Pit bulls are dangerous because I’m willing to jump out of a moving car to pet one

   Life pro tip #366: Never make a midnight snack in the dark. A peanut butter and salsa sandwich taste exactly how it sounds

   I was gonna cook alligator for dinner, but my stove is broken and all I have is a croc pot.

   The difference between a conspiracy theory and reality is about two weeks.

   Do people actually believe in their ridiculous conspiracy theories, or are they just trolling?

   I'm worried less about who is vaccinated or not than I do about people wearing DEODORANT !

   In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?” I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

   An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

   Thanks to the words "dude", "bro", and "man", I haven't said my best friends name in 10 years.

   My dad said I would always go down in history. He was right. I also fingered a girl in geography.

   Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.

   I used to be addicted to soap but don't worry, I'm clean now.

   I can;t afford the "Ring" doorbell so I use "honk" where friends pull up & honk their horn

   what does it sound like when a pterodactyl uses the restroom? ....the pee is silent