Mark M Funny Status Messages

   There’s another hacking scandal. Home Depot is now investigating the hack of its customers' credit card information. They would have targeted Home Depot employees too, but the hackers couldn't find any.

   Over the weekend in California — a big one, a 6.0 earthquake. It was so powerful that Lindsey Lohan was driving on the right side of the road.

   You can now buy booze at Starbucks. So apparently my letter-writing campaign paid off.

   Yankee Stadium says it will start adding metal detectors as a way to beef up security. And then they went back to selling beer and baseball bats to New Yorkers.

   I don't understand no one has excepted my boiling water challenge

   Smokey Bear just celebrated his 70th birthday. Smokey bear is 70. Can you believe he's that old? Smoky says he puts out fires by waking up seven times a night and peeing on them!

   A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It's a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."

   Yesterday there was a water main break right next to UCLA. Water was shooting out of the ground for four hours before it was turned off. They say 20 million gallons of water flooded the campus. I didn't even know L.A. had that much water.

   Justin Bieber will be charged with one count of misdemeanor vandalism for throwing eggs at his neighbor's home in January. Or as he calls that, “street cred.”

   According to a new report from BP, the earth will run out of oil in 53 years. Luckily, thanks to BP, the ocean will still have plenty...

   In "Extant" Halle Berry plays an astronaut who mysteriously winds up pregnant after a space mission. The series will answer the question: How did Arnold Schwarzenegger get onto that ship?

   A new rumor has surfaced that the next iPhone will feature an all-glass exterior. Because why should just the front be cracked?

   This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I'll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.

   FIFA has announced that Luis Suarez, the player who bit an opponent, will be banned for nine games, or as Suarez put it, "nine meals."

   Lindsay Lohan is going to be making her stage debut in London. Lohan is looking forward to England because she already drives on the wrong side of the road.

   FIFA, the world soccer governing body, says the guy who did the biting has to wear one of those dog cones for the rest of the tournament....

   A Virginia woman on Tuesday graduated high school at the age of 111. She’s the first person to graduate high school and have her whole life behind her.

   In a new interview, Hillary Clinton said the Bible is the most influential book she's ever read. Some people think she might be pandering to Southern Christian voters. Then Hillary said, "Oh come on y'all — little ol' me?"

   Scientists have created a mutant version of the deadly 1918 Spanish flu virus in an effort to better understand how pandemics start. I'm not a scientist, but this is how pandemics start.

   A company in Japan says it will start selling human-like robots that can babysit your children. That story again: Japan is making a robot that can turn on a TV.