GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Wife: Have you seen the broom? Me: Where did you put it when you landed?

   n't it funny how red, white, and blue represent freedom until they're flashing behind you.

   I said, "Alexa, what do women want"? The thing hasn't shut up for seven days.

   Egg prices are dropping. It turns out that if you stop killing chickens, they lay more eggs.

   I just killed a huge mouse. Ripped it to bits. The staff at Disneyland are furious.

   I don't want to be a millionaire. I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping my gas.

   Marriage tip: If your wife cooks, make sure the smoke detector has good batteries in it!

   I read somewhere that being sarcastic on a daily basis can add up to three years to your life. If that's true, I'm gonna live forever.

   It's so strange to think before Facebook, all this nonsense just stayed in people's heads.

   Newsflash to all the haters out there trying to hate on me: I'm not going anywhere!

   Remember when teachers used to say, "You won't have a calculator everywhere you go". Well, we showed them.

   I just read a list called "100 Things to do Before You Die". I was really surprised that "Yell for Help" wasn't one of them.

   Please don't ride with me if you're going to grab the dash or scream every time we run off the road. It makes me nervous.

   I never realized how funny I was until I started talking to myself.

   Life hack: Rent the same type of car that you own and switch the tires. Best $39.95 I ever spent.

   Common sense is so rare these days, it should be classified as a superpower.

   If I got paid by the number of idiots I have to deal with at work, I could retire next Tuesday.

   Where I come from, we drive ourselves to court for driving without a license.

   After an extremely tense argument with my wife, the house was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Things got a lot worse when I saw the grenade fly towards me.

   My four moods: 1. I need coffee. 2. I need a nap. 3. I need a vacation. 4. I need duct tape, rope, and a shovel.