Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Q. What are the two most frequented words the groom will say after he says "I do?" A. "Yes, dear."

   Q. What individual did the biggest favor ever for two people? A. The one who stood up when the minister said, 'Speak now, or forever hold your peace.'

   How do you sleep at night knowing people don’t like u” Me: with the fan on high

   The waitress at Bob Evans asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I'm married to it.

   I have a small request. Would you IiberaIs go f yourselves? Thanks.

   If Taylor Swift wasn't musically successful, at best, she'd be a weekend weather forecaster on a local news station.

   Relaxing, Got up at 6am. Did yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything...

   Pizza is like sex, it's always good even if it's bad.

   August is almost over. Tomorrow is September 1st. Time to pick out a Halloween costume and start your Christmas shopping. Happy New Year, everybody.

   Dear Transgender people, Don't you dare tell me I have to accept you for who you are when you couldn't even accept you for who you were.

   Travis Kelce is going to have to sign a prenup that is longer than any book he's ever read!!

   Don't know why I'm so surprised Taylor swift got engaged with Travis Kelsy? Like I've been expecting her to call me any day now to tell me your the one I want!

   Two slices of bread got married... The wedding was amazing, until someone decided to toast the bride and groom

   Jesus kidnapped my girlfriend's brain.

   The sprite from McDonald’s could probably fry some chicken

   DONT TOUCH THIS” has got to be the scariest thing to read in braille

   Have you ever wondered how stupid people knew they were being stupid before the slap to the back of the head was invented?

   why is it that we Park in a Driveway and Drive in a Parkway?

   I saved my husband's life insurance company $500,000 dollars by switching to xanax.

   I hate being bi-polar. It's really awesome.