Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know growing up I could tell who had money and who didn't. People with money had Tupperware people without money had butter containers.. We used butter and cool whip containers

   does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to crap themselves every single day of a trip?

   Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy

   Did the dinosaurs on the Flintstones know that they could eat the people instead of working for them?

   The world is finally divided into two clear groups: The vaccinated ones waiting for the non-vaccinated to die, and the non-vaccinated waiting for the vaccinated to die.

   Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”

   When I see a guy wearing a man bun and a mask, walking into a store. I like to hold the door open, establish dominance.

   I wear a mask. I'm vaccinated. You other inbreds our there in the midwest driving around your pickup trucks with 3 teeth and a mullet can contract the virus, spread it to your family and have the whole lot of them cease to breathe.

   Vaccines are bad, but horse dewormers are good!

   this can't be the same brain I was using to read 450 page novels in 3 days during middle school

   I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

   Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.

   Make Tuesday fun at work today........If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

   My wife and I got in a car accident today. She was behind the wheel driving, and I was on the outside of the car getting hit by it.

   I put my symptoms into WebMD and found out I've started menopause.

   I once dated a girl in college with only four toes on each foot. She was kind of cute but the relationship never went anywhere because I'm lack-toes intolerant.

   I'm on a new diet where I eat nothing but wildebeest meat. It's called Gnutrisystem.

   If you sit behind me honking your horn for letting a car into traffic I'm going to super polite and wait to let the next five cars to pull out into traffic as well.

   Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and you can bang his wife every weekend.

   Ashli Babbit on vaccines: "I got my shot, now go get yours".