Funny Status Messages

   Tip for the ladies: If you want a man to leave you alone at a bar, don't tell him you have a boyfriend. They don't care.Tell him you have a pen is.

   Sometimes I cry when cutting carrots because I don't want onions to think they're ugly or something.

   My buddy asked me, "What are 5 things you would take with you in a zombie apocalypse?" I replied, "That's simple. 5 people slower than me!"

   Some people suffered in their youth which helped them succeed later in life. For example, if Bill Gates had gotten l@id in high school, there would have been no Microsoft.

   I haven't had a cigarette in 11 months. Did it on my own. My mom is trying to quit but couldn't do it by herself so she went to a hypnotist. She still smokes, but thinks she's a chicken.

   Lies, deception, self centeredness, greed, avarice....et al. Then there was the bad side.

   I would probably watch Iron Chef more if Tony Stark were one of them.

   WTH!!! It's 2 days until Christmas and none of stores have their Valentine's Day stuff displayed.

   I realized I'm too silly for most sex things. My wife was like, "I want you to throw me around in the bedroom" , I was like, "How bout you run around and I trip you!".....I figure its safer for the both of us.

   I had a circular driveway put in my front yard. Now I can't get out.

   As I was leaving work a coworker said “SEE YOU NEXT YEAR!” and now I'm slashing his tires.

   I regret I'm one of the billion a$$holes who watched Gangnam Style on Youtube.

   Step 1: Invite guys for big game Step 2: Slowly lower volume Step 3: Sneak in teacups Step 4: Eventually turn off TV Step 5: TEA PARTY!

   You could probably torture a woman by duct taping her mouth and making her apply mascara.

   No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.

   I saved a lot of money this Christmas by switching to single....

   Dudes that wear Speedos should have to wear the bikini top too.

   In these economic hard times, I always do what it takes to get my money's worth. Like yesterday. I went to the Dental Hygienist and ate a box of Oreos in the waiting room before going in.

   Asking me if you can "jam on my guitar" is like asking me if you can sleep with my girl. If anything, your chances of me okaying you sleeping with my girl are exponentially greater.

   I need a good cry... I think I'll go weigh myself.