Funny Status Messages

   According to my Nike Fuelband, I've just masturbated for 4 miles.

   Kiss me ~ it's midnight somewhere.

   If I was Asian, my name would be Jet Lag....because I'm tired all the time!

   anyone who says "I hate to break it to you", can't f#$^ing wait to break it to you.

   HAPPY NEW YEARS EVE: It takes 24,637 BOLTS to put a car together, but only one NUT to spread it all over the road. Don't Drink & Drive! 

   I heard Kanye West announced that he and Kim Kardashian are expecting a child. My sincere condolences to the child.

   Every New Year we make a resolution to change ourselves… maybe this year try making a resolution to be yourself!

   I would walk over Legos for you.

   Some were born to stalk, some were born to be stalked.

   I love you but I'm too lazy to show it.

   From the creator of ‘'I Like You As A Friend'' and ‘'I Love You Like A Brother'' comes in 3D ‘'I Don't Know How To Tell You You're Ugly''

   Celebrity pregnancy announcements are a fantastic reminder for me to take my birth control pills.

   No pants are the best pants.

   I almost got into a car accident, but luckily no one saw me hit the other car

   A pregnant Khadarshian is the last thing the world need right now, let alone pregnant by Kanye West. Reminds me of that reproducing mother Alien in he Aliens movie.

   i hate it when people say two wrongs don't make a right. A right and a wrong don't make a right either.

   I've ignored you for 4 years and you still haven't taken the hint... this is a serious stalker problem

   Kim Kardashian is reproducing. It's Kim's egg mixed with Kanyes' seed. Touche' Mayans.

   Apparently reenacting scenes from the deadliest catch is frowned upon at the Red Lobster.

   How do you say Tony Romo in Spanish? Mark Sanchez