Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Where the hell are all these moths coming from?" -Thomas Edison

   Neil Diamond's real name is... Neil Diamond. Grace Slick's real name is... Grace Slick. Engelbert Humperdinck's real name is... Arnold Dorsey. I think about this a lot.

   Glass coffins, will they be popular? Remains to be seen.

   The dimmer brat party has changed. I know, I was one. Until Obama and Biden started all this BS we’re dealing with now. Miss Trump yet?

   Amber Alert!! White Male, 70-something yrs old, acts like a 10-year old child, has a stripper for a wife, thinks he won the 2020 election.

   Technically, it's a Silver Alert. But yeah.

   Biden created the most heavily armed terrorist nation in history.

   I am whipped today.....My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

   Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

   million dollar idea: worm dehorser

   My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2021. I’m already at $8.32

   Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’

   When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

   My milk crates bring all the boys to the yard, and they’re like “somebody call an ambulance!”.

   me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

   Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

   I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

   Karate is a Japanese word that means "My kid can't hit a baseball."

   Texas...where covid-19 has better reproduction rights than women.

   Million Dollar Idea: Take the flood waters from the northeast and dump them on the fires in the west.