Funny Status Messages

   Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in: I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey

   Every day Stephen King and I both: 1. Get up 2. Terrify People 3. Tweet

   I was just traveling thru an overpass where the city's homeless seem to gather, and it made me proud. Even they are doing their part to battle this Covid 19 as I saw a couple of them administering vaccinations to each other.

   I have this condition where I can no longer do math in my head. It's called Fibromyalgebra.

   I got mood poisoning....must have been something I hate.

   As I was getting into bed she said "You're drunk." I said "Why do you think that?" She said "Because you live next door."

   “The two most important days of your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why.” ~ Mark Twain

   Florida has had 119 hurricanes since 1850, but this latest one was due to climate change.

   How can you tell that the truth is being told? When Facebook blocks it, Twitter deletes it, Google hides it, Youtube bans it, the media censor it, and the government forbids it.

   FDA approved does not mean scientifically proven. It means that a business deal has been made.

   One good thing about being a Amazon delivery driver is you can impress women by telling them your company provides you with a Mercedes-Benz.

   As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?

   n't it ironic that I have to use my driver's license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive?

   I know words, I know the best words.

   There are three sides to every argument: Your side, the other guy's side, and the correct side.

   Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

   Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

   I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up

   Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.

   Some day Rick Astley will die and no one will dare click on the headline.