Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Imagine you're a NASCAR driver, your name is Brandon, and someone asks you to define the most pivotal moment of your career.

   Does anyone know when Boy Scout cookies go on sale? Thanks.

   [being chased by a murderer] can we slow down I’m not wearing a bra

   I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.

   Happy Indigenous Peoples' Day everyone! If that offends you then too bad for you.

   Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.

   If you're going to mess around with opioids - overdoses happen, and usually Narcan until it can't.

   It's sad when I search, "Delta variant", and all but one are about the airline.

   Whether you're a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.

   All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.

   I’m afraid of a world run by people who were never spanked as a kid and given a trophy just for participating.

   For animals with an "amazing sense of smell" dogs sure do sniff piles of turds for a long time before realizing "Whoops, these are turds"

   In hell your laundry is all fitted sheets.

   I love Halloween, it is the one day of the year people don't question my sanity.

   Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century. They’re millennial falcons.

   I PASSED THE BAR!!!! So proud of myself, I really wanted to get a shot of tequila but I just passed it and kept on walking.

   Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

   Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness Me: lying on my resume probably

   Stonehenge was just a failed Neolithic game of Jenga

   My wife spilled iced coffee in her lap and asked if I’d like some pumpkin spice twatte.