Funny Status Messages

   "I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol."

   I hate two-faced people. It's so hard to decide which face to slap first.

   Cruises: Like being on house arrest with midnight buffets.

   Wondering why I have a belly button, but not being able to imagine life without one

   Some people spend a fortune so they can circle the world. Others drink Beer so the world circles around them.

   Take note... the people who unabashedly support Drumpf can't spell, can't form a coherent sentence and have no idea how to interpret facts and statistics.

   Think I'll get a third shot. And no I'm not in a bar.

   I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake up call. She told me "Trump lost, Joe Biden is now your president".

   Now that summer's over, I'd like to suggest to the ladies (and guys from Canada) that next year, unless you have a rear end made of perfectly sculpted stone, don't wear a thong.

   COVID is going to be an excuse for horrible restaurant service for years to come.

   I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

   "Where the hell are all the moths coming from?" -- Thomas Edison 1879

   OK. What genius decided to call it the "Jab" and not the "Hokey Pokey"?

   I hate it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the third time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party! Besides, my dog is receiving his First Communion that day.

   When I was a kid, the term "gaslighting" didn't involve playing mind games. It involved a Bic lighter and farting.

   If drugs aren't allowed in sports then why is makeup allowed in beauty contests?

   rony: In some places you’ll have to take the vaccine in order to watch the new Matrix movie coming out.

   Gender is like the Twin Towers. There used to be two of them but now it is a very sensitive subject.

   Anybody on Meth need a job??? I'm opening a haunted house soon & I need zombies

   There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed