Funny Status Messages

   FRIDAY......My second favorite F word

   You can tell all you need to know about a person by whether they bring the banana to their mouth or mouth to the banana.

   Not all mushrooms give you an extra life.

   Limited time offer for my middle linebacker friends....I will be your imaginary girlfriend.....but you had better show up at my funeral, dammit.

   Manti Te'o should change his relationship status on Facebook to "It's Complicated"

   The less people you chill with, the less shi t you have to deal with

   Before I propose can I see you in your natural form at least once without all the makeup, the fake nails, eye lashes, and hair. Just so I can decide if I am comfortable with what I am dealing with.

   I swear....if I get shot by a criminal who didn't obey the gun laws, I am going to be SOOOOO PISSED!

   "I only took imaginary steroids." Lying Lance

   I just found out my girlfriend has been cheating on me with the Middle Linebacker from Notre Dame.

   Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free...

   If at first you don't succeed... Who am I kidding you never did anything right. You came out backwards and have been screwing up ever since.

   Manti Te'o wasnt missing tackles in the National Championship, he was hugging his girlfriend.

   at least my imaginary girlfriend doesn't nag about all my masterbating...

   I had a dream last night that I killed all those shirtless guys with "swag" and their duckface girlfriends too. It was the Yolocaust.

   Tesco's veggie burgers are being tested for traces of unicorn.

   To eat or not to eat a Tesco burger? That is equestrian.

   What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and becomes immortal. Is it Commando Friday yet?

   I believe Manti Te'o but it seems like no one else does. I've been arguing about it all morning with my imaginary girlfriend Tina

   To any of you sick guys out there thinking about catfishing me, I'm terrible at texting back and scared of commitment so please just move along.