Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   went to a shrink today. she says I have a split personality. Charged me 84.00. I paid her 42.00 and told her to get the rest from the other bi tch!

   never make presumptions about who will get chicken pox...I don't like to blemish my reputation by making rash predictions

   People who feel sorry for themselves never feel sorry for anyone else.

   Michelle Pfeiffer, Halle Barry, and Anne Hathaway all portrayed Catwoman without flaunting their buttholes at people even once. Unrealistic.

   I am the kind of guy who brings a gun to a pillow fight.

   Have you found Jesus? No? Me neither. I think we lost him near the border. God, I hope he's ok. He had like all the cocaine with him.

   Most people are going to hell, no doubt...but some of you will be used as firewood.

   I want an iPhone with BBM and a Nokia battery.

   it would of been cool if Atlanta Falcons had won today....then the Super Bowl could be sponsored by the game "Angry Birds"

   I am just a girl standing in front of a stalker, asking him to leave her the hell alone.

   MARRIAGE; Because your suffering doesn't have to end at work!

   I love you but I'm not, "I want us to be miserable together," in love with you.

   All the places that can be kissed can also be bitten.

   If I had known life was going to be a test I would have cheated more.

   Rapper: " I'm killing snitches, then I smoke a blunt get high and F*ck they b*tches" *wins award* Rapper; "I just want to thank god..."

   Never underestimate my ability to make things weird for everyone involved.

   I bet the kids on Africa are really getting tired of all those leftover Patriots Championship t-shirts.

   This make-up sex stuff was pretty good until she poked me in the eye with the eyeliner stick.

   I'm bored. I think I'll go to WalMart, find a great parking spot and sit in the truck with my reverse lights on for awhile

   This is going to make Thanksgiving uncomfortable next year at the Harbaugh house.